As I sit here on the captains bed of a 300 sq. ft. cabin in Trinity Shasta state park (California) I realize that this trip is the perfect all encompassing metaphor for my life at the moment. I need to restart. To begin I have deleted the 17-blog post drafts I had saved up, I never thought they were good enough, relevant or worthy. So we’ll start with that.
Now onto the reason this all happened:
It has been a rough month, details will follow shortly but Mathew and I decided to take a last minute trip to an air bnb cabin in an unknown location. We knew we needed to get out of the valley and we new we wanted nature.
We ended up at the Trinity River adventure Inn.
It is fabulous!!! With mountainous vistas in every direction, a beautifully pristine river flowing along the property which consists of 6 cabins. And that’s when it hit me. There is NOTHING wrong with California the problem is me.
For the past year I have spent countless hours searching, complaining and grumbling about how miserable Silicon Valley and this entire state is in general. While I know there are going to be things I will continue to not like about this place tech hipsters.
Being up here, seeing that all of the things I love about my Minnesota exist here too is like jamming an un- curled paperclip into your computer to get a disk out. (If you don’t understand that reference you should probably just stop reading this blog.)
I suffer from an illness known and bi-polar disorder and anxiety. I accept this; there are times that it is hard. I’m talking really hard, your body aches, and you can’t find a reason to even want to draw your next breath. The “disease” itself is the most depressing thing about it because you cannot control it yourself. I recently found the courage and support from my fiancé to go to a psychiatrist to get some new prescriptions, I very much struggle with the fact that I can not make these changes alone and need the help of pills to do so. I have tried other methods, herbal teas, meditation and the like. When it boils down to it I have a chemical imbalance in by brain (due obviously to the inferior breeding of my parents) but despite that I will accept the hand dealt to me. I also have been seeking a therapist to talk to about these issues because if you suffer from these troubles remember this. It is NOT your friend’s jobs to help you! Yes some of them may try to comfort you and tell you it will be ok, but until YOU make the decision that “damnit, this is ridiculous and I can’t be this way anymore” nothing will change. I selfishly over the past few months have dragged some many people into my abyss of negativity and depression that I have few hands waiting as I make the accent back to the top of the hole I’ve been groveling in.
The whole point of this being, if you need help get it! If you need to break away from the norm of your every day life that’s been dragging you down DO IT!!
There is nothing more liberating that to get out, and decide “ today is the day I organize myself, I start re-finding my passions and I say F you to my problems. I will post to my blog at least weekly, my etsy store will have new inventory weekly and I will get the most out of everyday of my life.
Things happen in our lives we have no control over, we lose people; opportunities and we fall short of our goals. If this re-boot has taught me anything it is:
Love the ones you have both near far, alive and passed.
Treat yourself! Do the things your want from time to time
And finally, take the time, all the time in the world to get to know yourself and be whomever you want!
Peas, love and corgi cuddles!
Next post will be an album of our trip and why northern california might be my new best friend!